It will all fade into memory….
Collapsed, decomposed, turned into fleeing clouds….
You know that forbidden land Mufasa told Simba about?
Yeah I went there…. just to bandage your wounds..
Chased by preying hienas…
Rolled down the hill, walked through throrns, minor cuts dont phase me..
But u see, you took that from me, right after you removed yourself.
Its not about credit, or merit, we cant flourish if the land is too arid..
My presence irritates you, you need help…
You hate me, because you hate yourself… Your ego runs wild and free.
This time I cant help you…
Just TOO weak…
Ive really needed to help myself…
And I can honestly say I would of never done it without your push.
I love you too much… Unconditionally…
And that’s been the source of my endurance.
Im sad yet glad you pushed me away because this time….
Like every other time…
Helping you would of been all I would of done.
Imagine….? Me helping you find yourself once again..
When I cant find myself because Ive traveled so far away to bring you back to who you really are..
Time and time again.
We all forget who we really are… and it takes a soulmate to gently remind us.
No one knows the extent of these words… but you do.
And thats what makes it all soooo beautifully, painfully, special..
I put my happiness in your hands… and you dropped it.
Goodbye good friend…
Watching a father be a father with a cheap plastic ball and acorns is quite blissful…
One day, I will be the father I wish I had.
So im chilling talking to my friends, buml ing aome music, waiting on the new iphone and i see a blue light.
I look up to see This kid taking a picture of me.
Perfect timing.. then I hear him saying to his friends making fun of themselves.
He judged me by judging himself.
That didnt make me feel good..
This is gonna sound conceited but im tired of people taking pictures of me..
If he hadn’t said anything I wouldnt of thought about it
Maybe would of even thought I was the ugly one.. Ask my best friend, she’s my witness to that last statement.
Honestly I dont care who sees this. I hope no one does. I am so fucked up inside..This is not a cry for help or attention. Just merely a way to let it out. Today sept 18th 2013 is the day my child would have been brought into this world. Everything went down hill since the day she was taken from us. Other couples been through this, more than once. Its more common than most think. We couldnt even make it through it, this one first time. I honestly did the best I could, I set things up for now. Found a way to set my ex up financially so that we would be able to save one entire income from one of us.My set up set me up..? Am I wrong? Am I right? Is there even a wrong or right? My ex is talking to someone else right in front of my face…thats fine. It hurts… I talk to her and she cuts me off saying shes not listening and is too tired and then goes out to meet this new guy and comes back at 3am. Thats fine… it hurts. She regrets and blames me for so much.. thats also fine.. but shit… it hurts. Everything is literally my fault. She blames me for not being in school, not having a job, not being herself and so much more that I dont wanna put out here..She only remembers my mistakes but none of the good things i did for her..damnn thats fine but shit it hurts a lot. I wish I left this relationship with something that represented more than all the pain she throws at me. Some kind of joy. A smile a gleam, a twinkle inside an eye. Something.. anything. I dont want to be here anymore. I want to run away, disappear from this nightmare. We went through so much together and I never gave up, she gave up when I needed her the most. I healed her so many times just to be left to heal myself. Yet I dont blame her for that. I dont say these things bc i feel she owes me anything…I love her enough to understand her. My pain comes in being disappointed with the person she used to be to me and how she is with someone else. I know too much.. way more than her best friends… way more than i want to. Lies that she told everyone.. I live with her secrets.. and will die with them. I cant even fully vent and have to censor myself in fear someone might see this. I want this pain to vanish, I hope one day she doesn’t cross my mind anymore. Im writing this crying in the bathroom at work. Today our daughter would have been born.. look at us now…
Nothing is good or bad… everything just is.. in creating these labels we create suffering. Thats why idgaf who thinks what of me. Who wants to leave me, hate me, or play me. I used to… but that was the biggest lie I committed myself to.
Forgvive me father for I have sinned. So many times….. and thats just today.
I confess maybe ill choke her up, gag her, tie her up with my work ties, blind fold her, smack her, pull her hair, grab her hips, pull her closer, leave my handprints one last time…